DREAMIN' SCREAMIN' & SCHEMIN'

the fourth time

2009-09-11T17:10:00.001-07:00

so here i am again,leaving for san pedro in a week.anxious and excited and in a hurry to just be there.to reconnect with some dear people,to avoid past mistakes with a couple,to meet new friends.i always feel that the options are limitless once i enter the country's airspace.i never know what will happen next.i know that this is a mindset that is possible anywhere,but it overtakes me there.note to self:find ways to embrace that state when i return.i will live there.repeat repeat repeat.

time out

2009-05-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

love denzel,especially in mississippi masala.can't stand kate gosselin or her horrendous cordova haircut.stay tuned for way more substance

big time dreaming

2009-04-03T16:47:00.001-07:00

i had an incredible dream yesterday afternoon.i dreamt that i was arriving for vacation in san pedro and was admiring this totally cute stucco house that was painted olive green and all the doorways were rounded.it had heart pine floors.i loved this house and somehow i realized that my mother had secretly bought it for me using the money she had been saving since i was a baby.i was overwhelmed and full of joy so i went looking for people i knew to tell them that i was not going to have to leave,since i had a house.a man there who, in real life, had been the source of some pain and disappointment was ecstatic to see me and smiled so big i thought his face would break.the love he had for me was obvious and in the dream,i knew he was a dear and loyal friend.there were 4 people living in the downstairs part of the house and the woman offered me a choice of four food items-she had told me she was danish,so i went with the pastry.she gave me a nod and said that i had chosen wisely.i snorkeled in a little creek near my home and saw a lionfish.it took me a few minutes to realize it was a dream.i woke up so happy.i am believing it is a glimpse of my future life in belize.

sunday dinner

2009-03-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

i just invited myself over to my belizean memphian friend donia's house for sunday dinner this weekend.i am definitely feeling better

better

2009-03-23T16:12:00.001-07:00

i am officially feeling better.thank you god,universe and the prayers and good thoughts of my dear friends.i am relieved.i am not going crazy,or losing my mind.i am so human,and needy and emotional.i think writing,getting things out of my head,makes all the difference.i will try not to forget that.i love being under the water,just floating and observing.that is the only time when my mind is truly free and without worry,totally living in the moment.now how do i replicate that for the 9 months i will not be in the ocean....

dysthymia

2009-03-18T17:06:00.001-07:00

i experience a pretty complete major depressive episode after i return from belize.every time.i think there are a lot of reasons:i actually "date" people there(loose term but close enough),so i get some strong emotional stuff going on in me-so then there's the loss of that relationship,inevitably once i get on that little plane and the realizations that the men i have dated don't care much about me anyway/
also i open myself up to people in ways i don't here.i'm not happy here so i don't give off that vibe and draw good people to me/with the help of a good friend,i think it all boils down to belize reminds me that my life is not very full here.and that it is my own damn fault.i am most conflicted because i want to move,but i realize my issues won't go away,they will move with me.i have great hope that the ocean will soothe me,like it always does,and absorb my tears,and provide great relief.now what.......................

love comes in many forms

2009-03-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

thank you jet of jet's bar,for dragging me out of my sadness last week at the belize city airport,literally leading me to the bar,where you suggested i have a rum punch and a hot dog with everything on the hot dog........thank you for giving me a sweet kiss on my neck(you are about 2 feet shorter than i am)and telling me that i am beautiful.very sweet and kind sir,sorry that i did not let you get close to "my girls",i figured you had a day ahead of you full of lots of other girls of all shapes,sizes and gravity-related issues.

i am so very very sorry,mr. boxfish

2009-03-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

last tuesday at sunset i was walking north on the beach in san pedro.one of my favorite things to do is sit on docks and watch what is going on underneath me.so fascinating and amazing!so i had been sitting on one dock watching the fish and these people from another dock waved to me a couple of times,so i felt it would be polite to visit their dock.a local fisherman paddled his kayak up and told one man that he had conch for him.i noticed a fish in the bottom of the kayak that was beautiful and asked him why it was there.he picked it up and plopped it on the dock and announced that it was a shellfish and that it would be delicious to eat.so i looked at this fish,dying before my eyes and so very beautiful and expressive and my first instinct was to grab it and toss it back into it's home.now,not only would the dock owners had been royally pissed but the fisherman would have been out of some money.i sat there paralyzed watching this fish,not knowing what to do.i decided to leave because i was truly very sad for this sweet fish.while drifting off to sleep that night i sat up in bed,and only wished that i had offered to BUY the fish,then i could have thrown him back.i felt bad about this for days afterwards.i took a picture of him but i felt it was morbid so i erased it.i am so sorry mr. boxfish

these men reminded me that i am still an artist

2009-03-08T18:39:00.001-07:00

recovery,continued......

2009-03-08T16:53:00.001-07:00

ok so i have been obviously terribly down and nonverbal since my return.i am,literally,too sad to speak.so bear with me.i miss san pedro,my friends,the food and the reef and some fish.when my first boyfriend and i broke up,my dear friend brad gave me this poem by alice walker.every time i am having a hard time with a man i find myself turning to this and it helps me.i have shared it with many lady friends.it's time for an alice walker break!

Did This Happen to Your Mother?

Did Your Sister Throw Up a Lot?

I love a man who is not worth

my love.

Did this happen to your mother?

Did your grandmother wake up

for no good reason

in the middle of the night?

I thought love could be controlled.

It cannot.

Only behavior can be controlled.

By biting your tongue purple

rather than speak.

Mauling your lips.

Obliterating his number

too thoroughly

to be able to phone.

Love has made me sick.

Did your sister throw up a lot?

Did your cousin complain

of a painful knot

in her back?

Did your aunt always

seem to have something else

troubling her mind?

I thought love would adapt itself

to my needs

But needs grow too fast;

they come up like weeds.

Through cracks in the conversation.

Through sliences in the dark.

Through everything you thought was concrete.

Such needful love has to be chopped out

or forced to wilt back,

poisoned by disapproval

from it's own soil.

This is bad news,for the conservationist.

My hand shakes before this killing.

My stomach sits jumpy in my chest. My chest is the Grand Canyon

sprawled empty

over the world

Whoever he is,he is not worth all this.

And I will never

unclench my teeth long enough

to tell him so.

above is a photo of one of the dearest,most adoring men in my life,F.S. Fitzgerald of Inverness,Mississippi.If he had his way there would never have been a need for me to console myself with the above poem......one of the kindest,gentlest souls ever.we were in the cotton field behind his house and i do remember when this was snapped,and the sound of the stalks breaking as he walked me thru the field...

recovery

2009-03-06T17:22:00.001-08:00

i have much to talk about.as jerri blank would scream "i got somethin to saaaaaaaaaaay",but i'm not quite ready,still processing and reflecting and crying.i will tell you i am completely in love with all types of trunkfish.....and a special filefish who resides under ramon's dock.if you see him tell him i miss him terribly

belize

2009-02-16T14:26:00.000-08:00

i'm going back in 3 days.open to love in it's many forms but with my heart more protected,having learned the same lesson again.i will get married to myself,laugh with friends,bask in the beauty,eat "sunday dinners" every day and on and on and on.so much to do before i leave,but am smiling all the while.

facebook

2008-12-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

i have neglected my blog because i am obsessed with facebook!

halloween

2008-11-21T18:16:00.000-08:00

2008-11-14T20:11:00.000-08:00

a sampling of the past couple of weeks.my wimpy pigtails are now gone,replaced by something resembling ellen degeneres' hair now.not bad.but i still worry i look like a boy-see past posts containing garfield cake for one of several sources of the fear.look how cute cleo is-i like the joel-peter witkin type blurred cleo.my car.and last but not least,

l'baby(brad gets all the credit for this perfect name)

yes it really happened!!!

2008-11-07T17:39:00.000-08:00

i am still in shock.i still get goosebumps remembering tuesday night around 10:30pm when we finally began to believe that things could change.i just really have love in my heart for him and all that he believes in.oh and a note to the mccain(less than 10 total)supporters in my life:he does have a u.s birth certificate(duh),he is not a muslim,and wow there were no riots at all,only joyous celebrations.boo ya!

one sign that i need to move to belize

2008-11-04T16:56:00.000-08:00

golden rays

2008-10-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

i am in awe of these images.i want to go there but i have not been able to find out where-still checking.

i hate politics,but......

2008-10-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

i decided to put my obama bumpersticker on my car today.i am so tired of mccain supporters telling me how "scared" i should be about what will happen to this country if obama gets elected.a co-worker drove by my car and he decided to share his opinions.

ignorant:"that better be a mccain sticker"

me:"people like you are the reason i have decided to put this sticker on my car.i would NEVER say anything like that to you"

ignorant:"well i just hope he does not win,this country will be in biiiig trouble"this was said in a southern drawl and he drove off before i could respond.actually that was probably good because i would have probably said something mean.

i wish all the mccain people that have annoyed me would realize that:

a)obama lovers tend to be rebellious by nature and

b)by constantly preaching to us you will only make us hate you more

it's been a long time......

2008-10-10T07:16:00.000-07:00

sorry folks,i moved.that is my excuse.will be posting regularly again soon but for now,enjoy this pic of the best bird in the world with the most sensitive and sweet 6 year old in the world,my dear christopher....

belizean serendipity

2008-08-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

until yesterday,it had been been 3 months since i had eaten the most wonderful combination of foods ever(rice and beans,stewed chicken,fried plantains,potato salad=traditional sunday dinner in belize).my friend wilhemina always gets a t shirt from wherever i travel.i don't travel much so i think she has 4 total(bahamas,grand cayman,2 from belize)she was wearing her "i love belize" shirt where she works and a lady told her that she was from belize.i met this lady last week.her family is from altun ha-the village is called "lucky strike"and she has relatives in san pedro.she invited me over for dinner yesterday and her family watched me eat and cry and exclaim the deliciousness of the food and how much it adds to my belize ennui(that is my not being there).another thing i remembered yesterday is my observation that it is typical for these very masculine and macho belizean men to admit to,and even be unashamedly proud of music that,in this country,would be considered quite sissy.when in san pedro at a bar where i was the only woman,the men were completely grooving to celine dion(?!?)yesterday the males in the family were in the garage playing pool listening(very loudly)to what i recognized as air supply's greatest hits with some leo sayer mixed in.this is yet another fascinating aspect of belizean culture.i will now remove my cultural anthropologists hat and search for my dinner tonight.sadly, it won't be rice and beans but i am looking forward to another sunday dinner with the leslie family!!!!

furry sings the blues

2008-08-13T16:52:00.000-07:00

that song is playing on the jazz station.hejira always kind of bored/fascinated me at the same time-or is it off of mingus?or off the hissing of summer lawns?gee i need to brush up on my joni.....
today was interesting.a client noticed a duck sitting on some rocks near the clinic.along with much help from some guys emptying trash in a nearby dumpster,the bird was eventually taken to the nearest pond.actually,the same pond that granny took our beloved duck,bigfoot, to when he got way to big to run around(and poop)all over her house.she always enjoyed telling the story of the next time we visited that pond and we called his name,how he came running to greet us.unfortunately i have no memory of that-it was perhaps to brilliant for me to remember.
the above card was the most genuine sympathy card i have ever received.children don't mince words.it was picked out especially for me by my favorite 6 year old.his mother said he listened to all the cards in the aisle before deciding on this one.it plays the horrendous song kokomo,but the message is true and beautiful.he said it looks like my pictures of belize..

see you later,isaac...

2008-08-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

i have another example to use as to why i don't exercise.they found isaac next to his treadmill and think he died of a stroke.it is sad,he was such an important part of memphis music history.i did get miffed when he quit south park.and i do think scientologists are way crazy and have little ability for self-deprecation.the serious scientologists.my late father installed the recording console into isaac's hi recording studio.and my dad ended up suing him,i assume because he did not pay him in full for the console.mom said that they were at a party with isaac around the time when he wore chains a lot,and that she looked across the room and saw my father standing next to isaac,who was wearing a bright green jumpsuit and lots of chains.i love this mental image.my father dwarfed by isaac hayes.i wish someone had taken a photograph of that."hot buttered soul" will remain as one of the greatest albums,ever.

things i am scared of/other ramblings

2008-08-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

darth vader,waking up around 3am(prime paranormal activity),
coast to coast radio show(there is this frantic sound effect music that makes me jump),death,"a haunting" show on tlc.

luther campbell of 2 live crew fame now has a reality show.the episode i saw last night showed him shopping for a computer program which would prevent his son from accessing any adult material on the internet.
oooh i loves me so 2 live crew-nasty misogynist rap is actually one of my favorite types of music-i find it entertaining and heelarious.

i voted last night in a local election.i love my poll because it is in a senior center.i enjoy looking at the posted weekly activities or studying the bridge score cards.last night i was standing behind one of those people who think that they are very funny and entertaining.i was attempting to avoid eye contact when this person got in my face and said something that rhymed,i think it was "hey man,what's the plan?"...he then proceeded to speak entirely in rhymes with a series of utterly rhetorical questions.i was very embarrassed for him.even the 90 year old ladies collecting signatures looked up at me with a "help me" expression on their faces.while in the voting booth i heard a lady raise her voice and say to someone "you just assaulted me,look at my arm,you grabbed and assaulted me" i recognized this crazy lady as someone who i had been annoyed with in a professional situation.the poor accused 90 year old stood up and yelled in her loudest voice for this lady to leave her alone and continued to argue with the aforementioned hysterical lady.what is this world coming to?poor old lady....

the embassy

2008-08-06T17:04:00.000-07:00

this is my new apartment building.i had only been on the waiting list for a month!i figure i will be able to pay off my bills within the first year and visit belize more often then we'll see-i may move after that.the important thing is the universe is helping me out with my goal.there are a lot of elderly people in this building,and if i feel like a perm i can just mosey on down to the beauty shop!it is a new feeling to choose a new place to live based entirely on it's proximity to work(1 mile).i did not care that it's tiny,or if it had character,or if it's in a funky neighborhood.belize threw all that out tha window.

on a second note-i went to an estate sale(i don't go to many despite my curiosity because they always make me sad).anyway i was in a bedroom closet looking for treasures and spied this old shoebox up on the top shelf-it contained at least 20 packets of kleenex,circa 60's thru present.it was so odd that one would keep a box of mini-kleenex.maybe she was prone to tears or a runny nose.i'll never know.

like,totally

2008-08-01T17:44:00.001-07:00

the second best birthday cake ever

2008-08-01T17:26:00.002-07:00

mom has been unearthing old photos.i think this was my 8th or 9th.it is clear i was about to enter a phase that my evil sibling called "the boy".this was before my first and last couple skate experience with stuart morrison(actually,there were no more after that with anyone)i was in heaven,i like to think the song we skated to was "sailing" by christopher cross,but i cannot be certain.all i know was that the glorious time was interrupted by some boys who pointed at us and exclaimed "look at those gays".i had never heard that word before but i think stuart had,as he abruptly let go of my hand and skated off into the distance.yes,my hair was short and there was no chest development of course, BUT i was wearing a yellow izod(with the little alligator-the GIRLS alligator)and an elastic rainbow belt!anyway i really want a cake like this for my 37th birthday.note odie's drool!the drool is very animated,don't you think?

poltergeist

2008-08-01T17:26:00.001-07:00

Sage,Puttins (Puts) Natasha

2008-07-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

Puttins Sage April 1991-July 24th,2008
Puts was born in northern California in the spring of 1991.Her original owner,Kevin Scherer,moved to Memphis and Puts was part of his cross country road trip.She reportedly drooled the whole trip-she tended to drool when she was nervous.In 1995 she became an outside cat,due to the birth of the Scherers first child and their concern about cat allergies.Kevin was my boss and asked if i wanted another cat.I had been considering adopting another because I felt my 2 year old tabby,Sadie Strange was lonely and needy.The first time I saw Puts I was stuck by her beauty and brooding and sensitive demeanor.I knew she was special.Puts was with me thru several moves in Memphis,and to Kansas City.She was responsible for the car seats in my Mazda being mismatched due to my foolish decision to let her "stretch her legs" at a rest stop.She survived a burglary in KC,where she hid in the basement until I returned home.She was right by my side during several unsuccessful relationships,job changes,and the death of my father and beloved grandmother.She smelled like grey dust.3 years ago she was diagnosed with renal disease and declined slowly but remained very excited about her food and spending time with her human mother.I always felt honored when she appeared on my bed.She was my soulmate cat and her passing has left a hole in my heart.Her sisters,Sadie Strange and L'Baby are also grieving this loss.Her final resting place will be in Ecru,Mississippi next to the grave of her great human grandmother,Ona Marie Sage.

laughing

2008-07-16T18:04:00.000-07:00

i would like to send a big shout-out to brad,who,once again,has introduced me to an addiction.how in the hell does a dj mix hall and oates,ciara,sonic youth(!),and 2 live crew,just to mention a few.i am blown away.i hate "dr. laura" but i do like to listen to her show to hear how much of an idiot she is-i cringe at the way she berates these poor dumb people who ask for her advice.oh she is a horrible lady!i hate yardwork but i love my passionflower-it looks like it is from outer space.this week i have gone home and watched the first hour of "the 40 year old virgin" and laughed out loud every time.there are some truly amazing things in that movie.the lionel richie song,the asia poster,catherine keener's smile.i just love it.it is time for me to take my antipsychotic medications-night night!

sorry

2008-07-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

oh lordy be my current funk has resulted in a lack of any creative pursuits.seeing wall-e(even with my favorite 5 year old)did not help.waiting for all the serotonin receptors to become active again.right now,pbs(albeit fuzzy because i forgot to pay my cable bill)and my comfy bed are my primary source of comfort.i'll be back soon!this too shall pass.

jimmy cliff

2008-06-20T17:07:00.000-07:00

i have been obsessed with the movie "the harder they come".it is not a really great movie,but fascinating and entertaining and good to look at.i think part of it's charm is that,if i close my eyes when i am listening to the voices,i can imagine i am back in san pedro.the pidgeon english is so comforting to me.also i have discovered my love for jimmy cliff-he is such a living treasure.i found out today that cleo will only have to be quarantined in house in belize-i let her know that.no need to be separated from mom for the first 30 days of our new life.she was very glad to hear that.and the planning continues.....

the nice man who bought a bird

2008-06-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

i do not know this man's name.all i know is his vintage cage caught my eye and then his assorted medallions impressed me-playboy(several)a zodiac piece or two and rings on every finger.he had a lot of adornments.

kindness

2008-06-11T04:53:00.000-07:00

on my way to work i noticed a robin with a worm in it's mouth hopping up to a friend.he offered him some of his worm.seeing that display touched me very much and reminded me that even what seems as a very small act of kindness on our part can make all the difference to someone else.

thought for may 10th

2008-06-10T13:01:00.000-07:00

"To love at all is to be vulnerable.Love anything,and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.If you want to make sure of keeping it intact,you must give your heart to no one,even to an animal.Wrap it carefully 'round with hobbies and little luxuries;avoid all entanglements;lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.But in that casket-safe,dark,motionless,airless-it will change.It will not be broken;it will become unbreakable,impenetrable,irredeemable." -c.s. lewis

more wisdom

2008-06-09T17:22:00.001-07:00

from my "ask and it is given" card deck by esther and jerry hicks.it was randomly chosen today,actually it was on top.instead of rereading of the employment policy in belize,i will concentrate on this card....

big brother is here

2008-06-09T17:22:00.000-07:00

those of you that know me are aware that i am an overly cautious driver.not one to purposely run red lights.obviously the germantown police seem to have a very technologically advanced photoshop program.

hair

2008-06-08T17:37:00.000-07:00

i have been growing my hair out for over a year.my goal was pigtails.i have achieved that goal.the ends of the pigtails are itchy on my shoulders.i wake up in the morning and my hair looks like a bird's nest.it is very hot here and all i do is wear it up in a messy bun or ponytail.i have noticed that i have a strange shape to my head.i am getting it cut tomorrow and nothing anyone can say will stop me.it is too hot to live in memphis and have long hair.thank you all for the support.i can always grow it back out again.i would love to shave my head but i will not do that-it would be so simple since i cannot fix or style my hair.never have been able to.not one of my talents.it's dead anyway.a big old dead nest on top of my head.....oh and if anyone wants to call and dissuade me i cannot find my cell phone so just leave a compelling message and i will listen to it and erase it and get my hair cut.....

little things

2008-06-04T17:33:00.000-07:00

i want to make a little graveyard with moss and lichen.note that it is more expensive to bury someone that to tell them goodbye.everyone needs to read the book "grave matters" by mark harris.it is uncomfortable but utterly fascinating.remember momma-reef ball!!

my new favorite things

2008-06-03T16:32:00.001-07:00

combos zesty salsa snacks-made with stone ground corn!!!they are new and pizzeria pretzel combos are now second fiddle.
the commercials on reef radio and love fm in belize-you can listen-go to reefradio.com and lovefm.com-the latter plays really amazing 70's one hit wonders-i heard "sharin the night together"-is that dr. hook?and "shadow dancin" by andy gibb in the past 10 minutes-absolute genius radio!and last but not least,feeding the turtles at audubon park-i saw at least 3 different types yesterday-they will crawl up on the bank and eat from your hand.granny and i had a terrapin named freckles.among other things,she ate mrs. weavers lunchmeat(5 packages for a dollar at pic-pac!)she lived in the unused brick barbeque pit.she smelled a little funny but we loved her until she escaped for a better life....oh and i am currently addicted to dermalogica climate control lip treatment-i am such the product whore!

commitment

2008-06-02T18:36:00.001-07:00

i am going to move to san pedro town,ambergris caye,belize before may 2010.i am going to read this post several times a day.

goodbye people

2008-06-01T07:39:00.000-07:00

this made me so incredibly sad-it is truly hard to say goodbye sometimes....

redneck suntan

2008-05-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

i just wanted to document my first sun exposure since last july.it was gray at first.i just got really into the lamanai flora and fauna and thought the forest canopy would protect me.....i hope this makes yall smile.

i have 3 boyfriends

2008-05-25T15:39:00.002-07:00

so what if they are 3,5,and 7?they are good to me!

sentiment/loss/hope

2008-05-21T22:53:00.001-07:00

in the final episode of six feet under,as claire is leaving to move to new york,she takes a picture of the family on the front steps.nate is behind her and says "you can't take a picture of this,it's already gone."this is when i begin to cry.i find myself in a very claire fisher-like mindset regarding my recent trip to belize.as soon as the cab door closed i began to tear up and looked behind me to watch the special people i had met slowly fade into the distance.i take photographs primarily to preserve my memories,and to prove that things really happened.the last photo i took was of the cab driver's eldest child.she made me feel better because everything about her was full of hope and promise.isn't that so obvious?i think so.

beyond horror

2008-05-20T17:30:00.000-07:00

someone made this,probably someone in taiwan,and it was being sold at gordman's for $19.99

america's next top model

2008-05-18T11:02:00.001-07:00

i take so many pics of cleo but it was like she knew this was the real deal,her big break.she gave it all she had.prince would call her a sexy mf.you all should be aware that the only time in her life that she laid eggs(2!)was when i accidentally pushed repeat on her dvd player and she watched "purple rain" for 24 hours straight.needless to say i do not expose her to his purple majesty anymore-my bad!

ode to one of the most wonderful evenings of my life

2008-05-17T12:02:00.002-07:00

before my trip i had been listening obsessively to the latest cat power album.those who know me are aware that this means all the time,sometimes listening to the same song all day.for days.i was enjoying my (3rd-4th?)rum punch and feeling generally optimistic and content in general about myself and the situation i was in.that being at a bar on an island looking at the ocean and listening to the end of day ramblings by the local men who came to have a drink on their way home.these ramblings being vaguely discernable to my western ears.certain words or inflections helped me to know the general topics(women,cigarettes,alcohol,fishing,offspring).i was particularly interested in one of these men who was in control of the music.i loved the reggae he had chosen:"iron,lion,zion" by marley and a group i did not recognize that had a song about "maree wa na" that i realy liked.the breeze from the sea was picking up,as i came to expect when the sun goes down.all of a sudden i recognize the familiar strains of the first chords of "ramblin woman" as interpreted by cat power and for a minute thought i was back in my sweet blue yaris jellybean car driving around memphis and it's environs but as i jerked myself back into that moment a wondrous realization of where i was washed over me.that he loved cat power and was amazed that a)i recognized that song so quickly,and,b)i loved her music.we discussed the chills we felt with her voice and how powerful and emotional her music is.my memory of the 4 guys at the bar with"i believe in you"playing and all of us in some kind of wonderful zone.i tried to impress them by imparting my love for teenie hodges and his work with all the stax and hi guys,and how he must have known my father(i am such a little shit name-dropper!)i ordered another drink and was just beginning all the happiness and pleasure and amazing moments to follow in the hours and days ahead.thank you-you know who you are.

blue

2008-05-16T17:44:00.001-07:00

i am quite pleased with the new camera

thank you so very much

2008-05-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

i am too sad to write that much.i am mourning for the loss of my vacation.i miss b,especially,but i also miss everyone else and the sea,the reef,aqui deli,bicycling,cokes in glass bottles,hell i even miss the daily overdosing of pink bismuth.i want to take my parrot and run back.i am having great difficulty living in the present(eckhart i'm trying!)actually i am not,i am wallowing in my beautiful memories.completely wallowing and sloshing around in them like a pig in mud.help me

la isla bonita

2008-04-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

do yall know that madonna wrote that song about ambergris caye,where i am headed in about 8 hours!?it is now 10 pm and i am spending time with cleo,who seems sad because i will be gone so long.i will communicate telepathically.the explicit cat care note i wrote for my mother explains in graphic detail what she should do if my old cat ,puttins,departs from this earth while i am gone.i really hope those instructions are not needed.it may seem maudlin,but i have told my mom what to do with my remains,should i expire before she does.i want to be cremated and made into a reef ball,or wrapped in a sheet and buried in the woods somewhere.anyway i started the rant intending to tell my readers that there will be no posts until may 13th or so.until then i recommend watching some old sanford and son reruns to pass the time.how i love you all.oh,and be sure to watch greys anatomy thursday because kenny barnett is going to be on it!yay!!!!!

the reef

2008-04-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

i am soon going to be in the ocean with all kinds of fish and such beautiful light filtering below the surface.i can not replicate the peace i feel when i am floating in the sea.hello to the blennys,trunkfish,puffers,groupers,damselfish,tangs,triggers,barracudas,needlenoses,grunts and last but certainly not least all my favorite selachians.you are my absolute bliss.i hope to see a manta ray this time,but will be satisfied with stingrays and spotted eagle rays.

bird love

2008-04-23T05:11:00.001-07:00

cleo is my amazing african grey parrot.this morning she was in the midst of her morning rituals when a chickadee perched on the outside of the window she is near.she looked at it and asked "is it a bird?"she has said this before but never in such a correct context.occasionally when i ask her what noise does a cat make,she will meow.i love her

another example

2008-04-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

for all the fans of the panda cheese ball,here is a version for the more mature.same delicious cheese ball but with chocolate sprinkles and an "end result".the latter,i think,was the reason this particular cheese ball remained untouched,even at the "passion party" it was designed for.
availiable in many skin tones.also one can opt out of the sprinkles if that is your preference.
however,the female version does not give you that option.she is a "take me as god made me" cheese ball.if you think that is gross,then go make your own sanitized version of a cheese ball. jesus h. christ!

go tigers go?

2008-04-07T17:10:00.001-07:00

my childhood activities were based on the length of basketball games.the words "double overtime" translated into "i am not taking you to the mall to buy a bananarama album today" or "we are just not going to be able to go to the miniature store to find the perfect french provencial bedroom furniture for the lundby dollhouse santa brought you 2 days ago".oh,the agony.i just called my mother and she asked,before hanging up abrupty,could she call me during halftime?it was less of a question,more of a statement.memphis state is poised to win the final four tonight.whatever that means.i am a little excited about it.not enough to watch it but it is kind of neat to hear memphis mentioned in association with this rather than murder.
on a different note i'm going home to take a mr. bubble bath-pour some in the tub,close your eyes,and you could transport yourself back to the anticipation of a night spent with granny,fashioning 'car washes' out of old shoeboxes and shredded kleenex...........

claire fisher

2008-04-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

there are so many reasons that i adore and admire her.she struggles to understand what makes her an artist,and if she is indeed an artist.she is so sarcastic and quick.she has the most beautiful hair and skin.she is so conflicted.whoever wrote the art school experience that she had is so right on.how great it was when she visited the campus and there was another hearse parked next to hers.how sweet that she finally found a place she belonged(for awhile).watching her try to manage to live a creative life in the midst of realistic concerns.there was a conversation she had with her aunt sarah that really hits home with me.claire had just been turned down for a grant that would provide her an escape from the real world.she was so angry and hurt and devastated.sarah suggested that "maybe she wasn't really an artist,that she once was,but maybe she was not anymore"when claire reacted strongly to this notion sarah pointed out that her reaction may not have been so powerful if claire truly believed that she was an artist.sarah likened it to if she had told claire she was purple that of course claire would be sure that she was not purple and that it was a ridiculous thing to say.she would have had laughed it off.i don't do that dialogue justice.it is an episode from season 5 called "the rainbow of her reasons".susie bright makes an appearance.more six feet under posts to follow.....

food arts

2008-04-01T20:02:00.001-07:00

i did not spend 4 years of my life in art

school for nothin!panda cheese ball with poppyseeds and bamboo-celery.served with sociables crackers.nothing but the best!

jill scott

2008-04-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

friday night i saw jill scott for the first time.it is impossible for one to remain in a depressed state when you look at or listen to jill.she even designed a bra for ladies with especially large boobies!

look at how magical she is!a bottle of white wine and an evening with jill is my idea of heaven.

yum eggs

2008-03-26T18:23:00.000-07:00

i had so much fun with the egg dyes-i ended up creating a "rock"-see?i decided that the key to beautiful colors is patience.that explains why childhood easter eggs were not always so brilliant.
i wondered about how paas has cornered the market on easter egg dye.i bet mr. paas is very wealthy.i have never liked the egg white,in any form.scrambled is the only way i will eat eggs.the only part of the hard-boiled egg i will eat is the cholesterol-laden yolk.the white is like opaque,flavorless gelatin.gross!

pardon moi

2008-03-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

so sorry but i have been re acquainted with "six feet under"
i have not emerged fully.please pardon the inconvenience.
maybe in a few days......

extreme procrastination

2008-03-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

i have mastered it-it is truly a talent.i have an endless supply of activities to delay any chores or practical things that involve due dates or deadlines.i will share,enjoy!

+drive down to mississippi and take pictures of fields

+go to all the major thrift stores in one day looking for more pieces to add to my found embroidery collection

+i tunes(wowee!-i can work on finding the songs for my ultimate childhood pool party mix)

+dish network

+deciding to spend a majority of the evening looking at my parrot and wondering what she is thinking about

+examining my 18 year old cat,puttins,for signs of declining health-this inevitably leads to thoughts of the afterlife

+going to a forest to view the forest creatures

+renting entire seasons of hbo series,watching the entire series in one sitting and imagining i am larry david,chloe sevigny or brenda chenoweth

+imagining baking exotic cupcakes(not actually doing anything)

+seeing a movie 3 times(there will be blood takes up a good 3 hours!)

+reading the phone book,searching for strange names in dangerous parts of town

+calling those numbers to see who answers

+calling the chat lines to listen to ads,and,therefore,make myself feel better about my unattached status

+sleep

+go to your grannys house and dig up iris bulbs and marvel about how she planted these bulbs 40 years ago

+watch magnolia for the 20th time(another good 3 hour movie)

west memphis and guatemala and dumplins

2008-03-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

i really love lucinda williams,but i have absolutely no idea why she sings of going to west memphis to look for her joy.there ain't much joy in west memphis.there is,however, a wal mart,some apartments that look like hotels,a couple of blue beacon truck washes,and a store that sold me some great towels with a satin appliqued silhouette of a couple.i still intend to go back and get the matching toliet seat cover.the area around one of the blue beacon truck washes is where they found the poor dead boys.that whole west memphis three thing back in 1993.i do not believe they arrested the actual gulity parties,which added to my terror as i passed by the area on my way back to memphis last night.it was all dark and spooky and i was worried the murderer was still around there.anyway i went to the cracker barrel for dinner because i love their dumplins(boiled dough)mmmmmmm!my waiter was a sweet,polite man.for some reason,i suspected he was from guatemala,it was just a feeling,i have not known many guatemalans and have no idea about specific identifying qualities.i asked him where he was from-he said guatemala!i must be a freakin' psychic.we talked about how beautiful belize is.

movie woes

2008-03-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

i loves me some movies.i am extremely passionate about film.movies are the ultimate escape,the best therapy,a beautiful reprieve from reality.of course,i often encounter problems due to my elevation of the experience.i purposely go alone to them because a)i do not want the responsibilty of another persons opinion,i have felt really bad in the past if a friend hates a movie i took them to see b)there is nothing more upsetting/annoying than talking during the movie(i have some chatty friends).that said,when i lived in kc my friend jason and i would always go to the movies together-he was the perfect movie companion and taught me some invaluable ways to deal with talkers.i have not found another person like jason to accompany me so i go alone.he had a three-step plan:1)casually glance at the talker,a quick turn of the head is all that is necessary.if the talker continues,move on to step 2)turn your whole body around or crane your neck and hold your gaze for approximately 5 seconds.step three was rarely used but i saw it once and it worked,although i could feel this persons eyes burning into the back of our heads for the duration of the movie 3)again,look directly at the offender and ask that they please be quiet/stop talking/shut the fuck up(the latter is a fantasy,courtesy of linda partridge from "magnolia")i will need another huge blog entry for that movie
thank you jason for teaching me these helpful steps.since i go by myself and memphis is the second most violent city in the country,i have yet to implement step 3.i remember when you could go to the movies and not have your senses depleted by advertising slide shows(i hope the "roof guys" see no new business for their bad marketing decision-why do you both think looking stern will make people want you to fix their roof?).and the coca cola company should be ashamed of all the stupid trivia they expose us to(i find myself always solving the fill-in-the-bottle-cap puzzles,unwillingly so-the answers are just so easy)and last but certainly not least,one cannot even have a moment of auditory peace during these slide shows because of the always horrific music piped in.no one chooses to listen to these songs on their own.yesterday i went for the second time to see "there will be blood" and was subjected to tears for fears singing "sowing the seeds of love".i have always hated tears for fears,but that song sends me into a mental rage.the chorus is so stupid and in the beautiful surround sound stereo i heard all the noises that kurt and the other one who looks like an ogre made for the musical break.screams and cries and ramdom clangy noises,i guess meant to evoke the frustration of trying to sow these seeds of love.i was actually relieved when the commercials after the slide show but before the previews started.

Whey Dogs Out the Ying-Yang

2008-03-08T15:51:00.000-08:00

So I spent the whole week planning an all-vegan birthday BBQ for my downstairs neighbor . . . and come party time, she announces she's on some kind of spiritual cleanse! Fine by me, I thought--starve yourself. But would you believe the bitch put away 5 mango dacquiris before the night was over?

Somebody's gettin an El Porton gift certificate next year.

Yes, You

2008-03-08T15:49:00.002-08:00