the fourth time

so here i am again,leaving for san pedro in a week.anxious and excited and in a hurry to just be there.to reconnect with some dear people,to avoid past mistakes with a couple,to meet new friends.i always feel that the options are limitless once i enter the country's airspace.i never know what will happen next.i know that this is a mindset that is possible anywhere,but it overtakes me there.note to self:find ways to embrace that state when i return.i will live there.repeat repeat repeat.

time out

love denzel,especially in mississippi masala.can't stand kate gosselin or her horrendous cordova haircut.stay tuned for way more substance

big time dreaming

i had an incredible dream yesterday afternoon.i dreamt that i was arriving for vacation in san pedro and was admiring this totally cute stucco house that was painted olive green and all the doorways were rounded.it had heart pine floors.i loved this house and somehow i realized that my mother had secretly bought it for me using the money she had been saving since i was a baby.i was overwhelmed and full of joy so i went looking for people i knew to tell them that i was not going to have to leave,since i had a house.a man there who, in real life, had been the source of some pain and disappointment was ecstatic to see me and smiled so big i thought his face would break.the love he had for me was obvious and in the dream,i knew he was a dear and loyal friend.there were 4 people living in the downstairs part of the house and the woman offered me a choice of four food items-she had told me she was danish,so i went with the pastry.she gave me a nod and said that i had chosen wisely.i snorkeled in a little creek near my home and saw a lionfish.it took me a few minutes to realize it was a dream.i woke up so happy.i am believing it is a glimpse of my future life in belize.

sunday dinner

i just invited myself over to my belizean memphian friend donia's house for sunday dinner this weekend.i am definitely feeling better

better

i am officially feeling better.thank you god,universe and the prayers and good thoughts of my dear friends.i am relieved.i am not going crazy,or losing my mind.i am so human,and needy and emotional.i think writing,getting things out of my head,makes all the difference.i will try not to forget that.i love being under the water,just floating and observing.that is the only time when my mind is truly free and without worry,totally living in the moment.now how do i replicate that for the 9 months i will not be in the ocean....

dysthymia

i experience a pretty complete major depressive episode after i return from belize.every time.i think there are a lot of reasons:i actually "date" people there(loose term but close enough),so i get some strong emotional stuff going on in me-so then there's the loss of that relationship,inevitably once i get on that little plane and the realizations that the men i have dated don't care much about me anyway/
also i open myself up to people in ways i don't here.i'm not happy here so i don't give off that vibe and draw good people to me/with the help of a good friend,i think it all boils down to belize reminds me that my life is not very full here.and that it is my own damn fault.i am most conflicted because i want to move,but i realize my issues won't go away,they will move with me.i have great hope that the ocean will soothe me,like it always does,and absorb my tears,and provide great relief.now what.......................

love comes in many forms

thank you jet of jet's bar,for dragging me out of my sadness last week at the belize city airport,literally leading me to the bar,where you suggested i have a rum punch and a hot dog with everything on the hot dog........thank you for giving me a sweet kiss on my neck(you are about 2 feet shorter than i am)and telling me that i am beautiful.very sweet and kind sir,sorry that i did not let you get close to "my girls",i figured you had a day ahead of you full of lots of other girls of all shapes,sizes and gravity-related issues.