sunday dinner

i just invited myself over to my belizean memphian friend donia's house for sunday dinner this weekend.i am definitely feeling better

better

i am officially feeling better.thank you god,universe and the prayers and good thoughts of my dear friends.i am relieved.i am not going crazy,or losing my mind.i am so human,and needy and emotional.i think writing,getting things out of my head,makes all the difference.i will try not to forget that.i love being under the water,just floating and observing.that is the only time when my mind is truly free and without worry,totally living in the moment.now how do i replicate that for the 9 months i will not be in the ocean....

dysthymia

i experience a pretty complete major depressive episode after i return from belize.every time.i think there are a lot of reasons:i actually "date" people there(loose term but close enough),so i get some strong emotional stuff going on in me-so then there's the loss of that relationship,inevitably once i get on that little plane and the realizations that the men i have dated don't care much about me anyway/
also i open myself up to people in ways i don't here.i'm not happy here so i don't give off that vibe and draw good people to me/with the help of a good friend,i think it all boils down to belize reminds me that my life is not very full here.and that it is my own damn fault.i am most conflicted because i want to move,but i realize my issues won't go away,they will move with me.i have great hope that the ocean will soothe me,like it always does,and absorb my tears,and provide great relief.now what.......................

love comes in many forms

thank you jet of jet's bar,for dragging me out of my sadness last week at the belize city airport,literally leading me to the bar,where you suggested i have a rum punch and a hot dog with everything on the hot dog........thank you for giving me a sweet kiss on my neck(you are about 2 feet shorter than i am)and telling me that i am beautiful.very sweet and kind sir,sorry that i did not let you get close to "my girls",i figured you had a day ahead of you full of lots of other girls of all shapes,sizes and gravity-related issues.

i am so very very sorry,mr. boxfish

last tuesday at sunset i was walking north on the beach in san pedro.one of my favorite things to do is sit on docks and watch what is going on underneath me.so fascinating and amazing!so i had been sitting on one dock watching the fish and these people from another dock waved to me a couple of times,so i felt it would be polite to visit their dock.a local fisherman paddled his kayak up and told one man that he had conch for him.i noticed a fish in the bottom of the kayak that was beautiful and asked him why it was there.he picked it up and plopped it on the dock and announced that it was a shellfish and that it would be delicious to eat.so i looked at this fish,dying before my eyes and so very beautiful and expressive and my first instinct was to grab it and toss it back into it's home.now,not only would the dock owners had been royally pissed but the fisherman would have been out of some money.i sat there paralyzed watching this fish,not knowing what to do.i decided to leave because i was truly very sad for this sweet fish.while drifting off to sleep that night i sat up in bed,and only wished that i had offered to BUY the fish,then i could have thrown him back.i felt bad about this for days afterwards.i took a picture of him but i felt it was morbid so i erased it.i am so sorry mr. boxfish

these men reminded me that i am still an artist

recovery,continued......

ok so i have been obviously terribly down and nonverbal since my return.i am,literally,too sad to speak.so bear with me.i miss san pedro,my friends,the food and the reef and some fish.when my first boyfriend and i broke up,my dear friend brad gave me this poem by alice walker.every time i am having a hard time with a man i find myself turning to this and it helps me.i have shared it with many lady friends.it's time for an alice walker break!

Did This Happen to Your Mother?

Did Your Sister Throw Up a Lot?

I love a man who is not worth

my love.

Did this happen to your mother?

Did your grandmother wake up

for no good reason

in the middle of the night?

I thought love could be controlled.

It cannot.

Only behavior can be controlled.

By biting your tongue purple

rather than speak.

Mauling your lips.

Obliterating his number

too thoroughly

to be able to phone.

Love has made me sick.

Did your sister throw up a lot?

Did your cousin complain

of a painful knot

in her back?

Did your aunt always

seem to have something else

troubling her mind?

I thought love would adapt itself

to my needs

But needs grow too fast;

they come up like weeds.

Through cracks in the conversation.

Through sliences in the dark.

Through everything you thought was concrete.

Such needful love has to be chopped out

or forced to wilt back,

poisoned by disapproval

from it's own soil.

This is bad news,for the conservationist.

My hand shakes before this killing.

My stomach sits jumpy in my chest. My chest is the Grand Canyon

sprawled empty

over the world

Whoever he is,he is not worth all this.

And I will never

unclench my teeth long enough

to tell him so.

above is a photo of one of the dearest,most adoring men in my life,F.S. Fitzgerald of Inverness,Mississippi.If he had his way there would never have been a need for me to console myself with the above poem......one of the kindest,gentlest souls ever.we were in the cotton field behind his house and i do remember when this was snapped,and the sound of the stalks breaking as he walked me thru the field...

recovery

i have much to talk about.as jerri blank would scream "i got somethin to saaaaaaaaaaay",but i'm not quite ready,still processing and reflecting and crying.i will tell you i am completely in love with all types of trunkfish.....and a special filefish who resides under ramon's dock.if you see him tell him i miss him terribly