so here i am again,leaving for san pedro in a week.anxious and excited and in a hurry to just be there.to reconnect with some dear people,to avoid past mistakes with a couple,to meet new friends.i always feel that the options are limitless once i enter the country's airspace.i never know what will happen next.i know that this is a mindset that is possible anywhere,but it overtakes me there.note to self:find ways to embrace that state when i return.i will live there.repeat repeat repeat.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
big time dreaming
i had an incredible dream yesterday afternoon.i dreamt that i was arriving for vacation in san pedro and was admiring this totally cute stucco house that was painted olive green and all the doorways were rounded.it had heart pine floors.i loved this house and somehow i realized that my mother had secretly bought it for me using the money she had been saving since i was a baby.i was overwhelmed and full of joy so i went looking for people i knew to tell them that i was not going to have to leave,since i had a house.a man there who, in real life, had been the source of some pain and disappointment was ecstatic to see me and smiled so big i thought his face would break.the love he had for me was obvious and in the dream,i knew he was a dear and loyal friend.there were 4 people living in the downstairs part of the house and the woman offered me a choice of four food items-she had told me she was danish,so i went with the pastry.she gave me a nod and said that i had chosen wisely.i snorkeled in a little creek near my home and saw a lionfish.it took me a few minutes to realize it was a dream.i woke up so happy.i am believing it is a glimpse of my future life in belize.
Monday, March 23, 2009
sunday dinner
better
i am officially feeling better.thank you god,universe and the prayers and good thoughts of my dear friends.i am relieved.i am not going crazy,or losing my mind.i am so human,and needy and emotional.i think writing,getting things out of my head,makes all the difference.i will try not to forget that.i love being under the water,just floating and observing.that is the only time when my mind is truly free and without worry,totally living in the moment.now how do i replicate that for the 9 months i will not be in the ocean....
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
dysthymia
i experience a pretty complete major depressive episode after i return from belize.every time.i think there are a lot of reasons:i actually "date" people there(loose term but close enough),so i get some strong emotional stuff going on in me-so then there's the loss of that relationship,inevitably once i get on that little plane and the realizations that the men i have dated don't care much about me anyway/
also i open myself up to people in ways i don't here.i'm not happy here so i don't give off that vibe and draw good people to me/with the help of a good friend,i think it all boils down to belize reminds me that my life is not very full here.and that it is my own damn fault.i am most conflicted because i want to move,but i realize my issues won't go away,they will move with me.i have great hope that the ocean will soothe me,like it always does,and absorb my tears,and provide great relief.now what.......................
also i open myself up to people in ways i don't here.i'm not happy here so i don't give off that vibe and draw good people to me/with the help of a good friend,i think it all boils down to belize reminds me that my life is not very full here.and that it is my own damn fault.i am most conflicted because i want to move,but i realize my issues won't go away,they will move with me.i have great hope that the ocean will soothe me,like it always does,and absorb my tears,and provide great relief.now what.......................
Friday, March 13, 2009
love comes in many forms
thank you jet of jet's bar,for dragging me out of my sadness last week at the belize city airport,literally leading me to the bar,where you suggested i have a rum punch and a hot dog with everything on the hot dog........thank you for giving me a sweet kiss on my neck(you are about 2 feet shorter than i am)and telling me that i am beautiful.very sweet and kind sir,sorry that i did not let you get close to "my girls",i figured you had a day ahead of you full of lots of other girls of all shapes,sizes and gravity-related issues.
Monday, March 9, 2009
i am so very very sorry,mr. boxfish
last tuesday at sunset i was walking north on the beach in san pedro.one of my favorite things to do is sit on docks and watch what is going on underneath me.so fascinating and amazing!so i had been sitting on one dock watching the fish and these people from another dock waved to me a couple of times,so i felt it would be polite to visit their dock.a local fisherman paddled his kayak up and told one man that he had conch for him.i noticed a fish in the bottom of the kayak that was beautiful and asked him why it was there.he picked it up and plopped it on the dock and announced that it was a shellfish and that it would be delicious to eat.so i looked at this fish,dying before my eyes and so very beautiful and expressive and my first instinct was to grab it and toss it back into it's home.now,not only would the dock owners had been royally pissed but the fisherman would have been out of some money.i sat there paralyzed watching this fish,not knowing what to do.i decided to leave because i was truly very sad for this sweet fish.while drifting off to sleep that night i sat up in bed,and only wished that i had offered to BUY the fish,then i could have thrown him back.i felt bad about this for days afterwards.i took a picture of him but i felt it was morbid so i erased it.i am so sorry mr. boxfish
Sunday, March 8, 2009
recovery,continued......
ok so i have been obviously terribly down and nonverbal since my return.i am,literally,too sad to speak.so bear with me.i miss san pedro,my friends,the food and the reef and some fish.when my first boyfriend and i broke up,my dear friend brad gave me this poem by alice walker.every time i am having a hard time with a man i find myself turning to this and it helps me.i have shared it with many lady friends.it's time for an alice walker break!
Did This Happen to Your Mother?
Did Your Sister Throw Up a Lot?
I love a man who is not worth
my love.
Did this happen to your mother?
Did your grandmother wake up
for no good reason
in the middle of the night?
I thought love could be controlled.
It cannot.
Only behavior can be controlled.
By biting your tongue purple
rather than speak.
Mauling your lips.
Obliterating his number
too thoroughly
to be able to phone.
Love has made me sick.
Did your sister throw up a lot?
Did your cousin complain
of a painful knot
in her back?
Did your aunt always
seem to have something else
troubling her mind?
I thought love would adapt itself
to my needs
But needs grow too fast;
they come up like weeds.
Through cracks in the conversation.
Through sliences in the dark.
Through everything you thought was concrete.
Such needful love has to be chopped out
or forced to wilt back,
poisoned by disapproval
from it's own soil.
This is bad news,for the conservationist.
My hand shakes before this killing.
My stomach sits jumpy in my chest. My chest is the Grand Canyon
sprawled empty
over the world
Whoever he is,he is not worth all this.
And I will never
unclench my teeth long enough
to tell him so.
above is a photo of one of the dearest,most adoring men in my life,F.S. Fitzgerald of Inverness,Mississippi.If he had his way there would never have been a need for me to console myself with the above poem......one of the kindest,gentlest souls ever.we were in the cotton field behind his house and i do remember when this was snapped,and the sound of the stalks breaking as he walked me thru the field...
Friday, March 6, 2009
recovery
i have much to talk about.as jerri blank would scream "i got somethin to saaaaaaaaaaay",but i'm not quite ready,still processing and reflecting and crying.i will tell you i am completely in love with all types of trunkfish.....and a special filefish who resides under ramon's dock.if you see him tell him i miss him terribly
Monday, February 16, 2009
belize
i'm going back in 3 days.open to love in it's many forms but with my heart more protected,having learned the same lesson again.i will get married to myself,laugh with friends,bask in the beauty,eat "sunday dinners" every day and on and on and on.so much to do before i leave,but am smiling all the while.
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